I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
