Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i came on her dog
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
