Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Be still, my beating vagina.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize