every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
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