...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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