you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
