Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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