I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
