can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
