well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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