id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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