I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
