I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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