break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize