why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
