The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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