peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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