You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
is wine microwaveable?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
