Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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