if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
