shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I smell stomach acid.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Randomize
