took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
we're chasing vodka with high fives
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
