I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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