New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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