we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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