that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
you never un-have a 4some
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
