he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
