Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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