its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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