i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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