That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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