he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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