The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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