If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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