He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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