Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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