I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He kissed a someone with a penis
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize