my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
