There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
