I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
