I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
