It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
