dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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