hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
