k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
