im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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