Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
