Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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