it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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