if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
