I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I want to be your penis for a week.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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