he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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