i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
