that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
