I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
