I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
