had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
